Tuesday, 1 January 2013


I like to look at new years as literally as possible. It is merely just a new year. The problems we have, bills we must pay, friends we keep all stay the same. They do not reset because the calendar must be changed, instead you only get to use this time as an excuse to pretend to do something about your situation. We all know the obvious ones, going to the gym, eating healthier, etc. These "resolutions" are nothing more than horduevrs of bad conversation between people that have not done anything in the past 12 months to alter their lives. For me, I wish only to change one thing.. myself. I want to be honest with myself, honest to the ones I love, a better person. I want to stop having to ask my family for money to waste on drinking with friends. I want my brother and sister to stop looking down on me and wonder if I am really okay. I want to be okay. I want to move out of my parents house. I want to fall in love again with the girl I keep thinking about, not the girl I am with. I want to be kind and restore what little decency I see in the world. I want to extend my knowledge of the subjects I care about. I want to learn french. As mentioned, I shouldn't need a change of year for me to realize this. I should do this throughout my life. If we do not constantly try to make ourselves better then we can not truly say we lived a full life. I want to use all of my brain, not a fraction of it. I wish never to be held back by my body or mind. I want to be more creative. I know what I must do in order for all this to happen, yet why haven't I started to do it?


Saturday, 3 November 2012

The Go In Between's

This decision haunts me.

For quite some time now, I have been living a lie, not sharing my true feelings with my lover. While she is my lover I am not in love with her. I care about her deeply and love her but there is a drastic difference between being in love and to love someone.

My lover makes me happy whenever we spend time together. Our relationship is something that many would compare to, we can be independant and together, we make each other laugh and know how to push buttons. Fighting has became something unfamiliar and we can rationally talk about any topic at hand, highlighting minor lapses in judgement or bringing to light different ways of looking at a situation. The advice we share is with the utmost sincerity for the others well being yet all of things have not changed how I truly feel.

She is the safe choice, I am very young, have only lived a quarter of a century, and I no longer feel for her the same way I once did. Our relationship has bee going on for 3 years strong and it brings to light the very heavy question of "why?" Is she the one? No, I know she isn't, I'm not in love with her, I don't think about what she is doing in her spare time, I don't get excited when we communicate. I choose not to communicate with her for sometimes days at a time. All of these things and more, regarding her family, way she was raised and some outlooks she has, tell me in my heart she is not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

So why do I waste my time. It seems by now that I have made a decision. But so many other things come into my head. What are her feelings? How will she take the end of our relationship, after so many years, days together, hours spent alone with each other? I am stringing her along for a journey that I know ends in sadness. The longer I pull this string, the less I can see the end. Am I unknowingly pulling myself along a path that has me making a decision I know I don't want. The dark road that was once so beautiful and full of light has broken. It has become pulled down to expose the true basis of this relationship. It will only continue to become clearer the decision I must make or blind me in becoming complacent with my life.

This decision haunts me.

Friday, 2 November 2012


As I sit in front of this blinking cursor I wonder to myself, what am I doing? Many things run through my mind with greater importance but yet I sit here, applying pressure to these keys, believing that I am creating the very first treasure to this empty chest.
So many things have come into my head in the past week that I find it necessary to put them in a place where they may be discovered. I do not intend to publicize this chest but merely hope the map will write itself and others may get a chance to see its contents.
With no real direction to govern these palate of words I can only say that this, right here, will be the beginning of my diary